VictimsOutReach

Tension Building Stage:
Tension begins to increase and controlling gets worse; incidents get progressively worse.

Explosion stage:
Physical violence: hitting, shoving, slapping, choking, etc. Threatening with or using weapons.

Loving Stage:
Batterer becomes loving and acts remorseful; sending flowers, taking you out. May even go to counseling so you will take him back. Also called the “honeymoon stage”.

THE TENSION BUILDING STAGE BEGINS AND THE CYCLE IS REPEATED

Isolation: Controlling where she goes, what she does, where she lives; isolating her from family and friends.

Intimidation: Putting her in fear by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property.

Emotional Abuse: Insulting and putting her down, jealousy and possessiveness. Playing mind games.

Economic Abuse: Trying to keep her from getting a job. Taking her money, making her ask for money.

Sexual Abuse: Making her do things against her will. Treating her like a sex object. Attacking her body/sexual parts.

Spiritual Abuse: Not letting her go to church or church functions. Not letting her worship in her own way.

Threats: Threatening harm/kill her or other family members. Threats to harm or take the children from her.

Animal Abuse: Neglect or physical abuse to family pets or farm animals.

EVENTUALLY ALL OF THESE CAN LEAD TO PHYSICAL ABUSE: PUSHING, SLAPPING, CHOKING, ETC
The Cycle of Violence

Tension Building Stage:
Tension begins to increase and controlling gets worse; incidents get progressively worse.

Explosion stage:
Physical violence: hitting, shoving, slapping, choking, etc. Threatening with or using weapons.

Loving Stage:
Batterer becomes loving and acts remorseful; sending flowers, taking you out. May even go to counseling so you will take him back. Also called the “honeymoon stage”.

Courtesy: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

If you are still in the relationship:

• Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
• Think about and make a list of safe people to contact.
• Keep change with you at all times.
• Memorize all important numbers.
• Establish a "code word" or "sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
• Think about what you will say to your partner if he\she becomes violent.

Remember, you have the right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left the relationship:

• Change your phone number.
• Screen calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
• Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
• Avoid staying alone.
• Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
• If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
• Vary your routine.
• Notify school and work contacts.
• Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action.

Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2's), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)

Want Out:

• Get practical and emotional advice from the National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline: 0808 2000 247. It's confidential, free and operates 24 hours. The helpline may also be able to help you find emergency accomodation.
• Talk to a trusted friend or family member. They may be able to offer you a safe place to stay if you need a break or if you decide to leave.
• Keep a list of essential phone numbers in a safe place. These should include the 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline 0808 2000 247, your local police station and a solictor's number.
• Always keep your mobile fully charged or your card topped up.

Checklist for Preparing to Leave:

Keep a bag packed with the following important items:
Personal items:

• A change of clothes and toiletries for you and your children
• Some money
• Duplicate car key
• Medication for you and your children
• A child's special toy
• Jewelery
• Mobile phone charger
• Address book
• Photographs

Key documents:

• Passports
• Benefit books
• Driver's licencse
• Any court orders/injunctions
• Birth certificates for yourself and your children
• Divorce papers/marriage license/custody papers
• Bank details/account numbers
• Credit cards/cheque books
• Mortgave or housing details
• National insurance number
• Medical cards for you and your children
  
  Pack these items over a period of time. Only you will know when this is safe to do so. Keep the bag in a safe and secret place, perhaps at the home of a relative or friend.